i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..