I met the friendliest cop last night
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
