I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
