You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
