shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
