I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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