Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
