why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
