My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
