why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
