i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
