dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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