I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?