She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
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We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
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I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.