i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
