Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
