My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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