I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.