my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him