after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
