I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
