My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
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I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
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And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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