We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
