oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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