great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
