Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
