and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
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WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
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My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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