I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
