at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
what day is it and did you see me today?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My vagina is officially offended.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
