I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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