i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This house was built for laser tag.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
