Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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