her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go