I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
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So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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