Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
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I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
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I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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