I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
we're making bets on your personal life
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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