i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Deaf chicks here I come
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger