its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
