no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize