god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
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Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
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