Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
