This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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