were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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