So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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