if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.