I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
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I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
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My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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