WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
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I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
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I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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