I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
