I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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