Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic