I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
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She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
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I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer