We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
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everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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